Because we live in a fallen world, we will experience negatives in our lives. Heartache and disappointment will come our way. We experience "stuff" we don't deserve, don't want and can't send back. It's ours. But thanks be to God, nothing happens in this world that He doesn't know about and that He can't handle. Regardless of the hurts you experience in life, you know Someone Who has the power to take those negatives and turn them into positives. You know Someone Whose holy powers aren't hindered by agenda, by fear, by doubt, by whining, by complaining, or by other people's opinions. Nothing can negate Jesus Christ's power to bring healing and peace. ~Thelma Wells
"When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overflow you. When you walk through the fire, you shall NOT be burned, nor shall the flame scorch you. For I the Lord am with you."
Isaiah 43:2
9:14 PM
Tonight, at the very beginning of choir rehearsal, during prayer time, I was sitting near Nicole. She asked if I'd like to pray with her and Jack (her very adorable dog). To this, I replied, "Out loud?" I have to pray out loud? After 6-7 years... and a few before that... I still can't pray out loud. It's a sensitive issue... I feel like I felt in high school when I was asked to improvise in jazz band - everyone else is so much better at it... I'll just leave it to them. I know that's not the right response but I feel so vulnerable. I understand that Nicole would be the last person to say or even think that I suck at praying...
I think that's why I began to cry. I knew that I couldn't (not that I can't.. just that I wouldn't) pray out loud so I just cried... and while maybe she didn't understand how someone couldn't pray out loud, she was comforting. I do pray aloud when I'm alone... and I always sing too. It's such a personal thing... and sometimes I can't find the words... and sometimes it's so hard to stay focused.
I feel bad that I just let loose like that in front of Nicole.. poor thing... she didn't see it coming and she definitely didn't mean to make me cry... it wasn't even her that made me cry.. I think it was inevitable.
On the way to choir rehearsal, I was thinking about how happy I've been and how I'm finally getting over some hurts. I felt really good... I was listening to K-love and I heard someone say one little word... bruised or burdened... something of that nature and my heart began to ache a little bit. I couldn't think why it was aching... but it was.
After we began singing, I started think about the things happening in my life right now - moving, finding a job, saving for a new car... all really stressful things... mostly the finding a job. I've been recently asking myself over and over again if I'm cut out for the world of teaching. I find myself saying that I'd like to stick to teaching band but orchestra will definitely have to fall away. I'm not knowledgable enough.. and again, I should just leave it to someone who can do it better.
But, today, I felt God pushing me towards a job that is band and orchestra. I felt myself resist... and I still feel it... but I'll go for it and see what happens. Like Nicole was telling me tonight... God takes care of the birds... am I not more important than them? God will provide... ALL MEANS ALL.
Feeling a sense of inadequacy - I'm left trying to find out how God has made all mean all in my life. During Robert's sermon, he seemed to have so many examples of how bad things turned to good and I feel like I have none - Nicole has challenged me to find some of those things... to "treasure hunt my past." I've begun to think... for some pains, I think I have the answers... for others... the Lord hasn't told me why. Until then, I will sit quietly and listen.
I wait for the Lord - my soul waits!
6:49 AM
Our final concert of the year is tonight! 6 O'Clock... if you would like a ticket... call me! We'd love to see you there!
3:14 PM
Our last concert is on Monday.
There are 7 days left in school.
I couldn't be more thrilled.
4:15 PM
Random thoughts:
I never realized teaching would be so much like babysitting...
Why do kids think they can call you a f*ing liar?
Why do people say they love you if they don't?
They say time heals everything .. I'm still waiting.
Until then... some Sunkist and video games ought to drown out the pain.
10:15 AM
It's been a while since I last blogged and you find yourself feeling the usual, "A lot has happened since I last wrote here."
One thing I have time to write abotu before class starts is age. My kids are constantly bombarding me with questions of age. "How old are you Miss?" is something that I hear on a daily basis. So, to those of you who are wondering... I'm 22.
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