9:14 PM
Tonight, at the very beginning of choir rehearsal, during prayer time, I was sitting near Nicole. She asked if I'd like to pray with her and Jack (her very adorable dog). To this, I replied, "Out loud?" I have to pray out loud? After 6-7 years... and a few before that... I still can't pray out loud. It's a sensitive issue... I feel like I felt in high school when I was asked to improvise in jazz band - everyone else is so much better at it... I'll just leave it to them. I know that's not the right response but I feel so vulnerable. I understand that Nicole would be the last person to say or even think that I suck at praying...
I think that's why I began to cry. I knew that I couldn't (not that I can't.. just that I wouldn't) pray out loud so I just cried... and while maybe she didn't understand how someone couldn't pray out loud, she was comforting. I do pray aloud when I'm alone... and I always sing too. It's such a personal thing... and sometimes I can't find the words... and sometimes it's so hard to stay focused.
I feel bad that I just let loose like that in front of Nicole.. poor thing... she didn't see it coming and she definitely didn't mean to make me cry... it wasn't even her that made me cry.. I think it was inevitable.
On the way to choir rehearsal, I was thinking about how happy I've been and how I'm finally getting over some hurts. I felt really good... I was listening to K-love and I heard someone say one little word... bruised or burdened... something of that nature and my heart began to ache a little bit. I couldn't think why it was aching... but it was.
After we began singing, I started think about the things happening in my life right now - moving, finding a job, saving for a new car... all really stressful things... mostly the finding a job. I've been recently asking myself over and over again if I'm cut out for the world of teaching. I find myself saying that I'd like to stick to teaching band but orchestra will definitely have to fall away. I'm not knowledgable enough.. and again, I should just leave it to someone who can do it better.
But, today, I felt God pushing me towards a job that is band and orchestra. I felt myself resist... and I still feel it... but I'll go for it and see what happens. Like Nicole was telling me tonight... God takes care of the birds... am I not more important than them? God will provide... ALL MEANS ALL.
Feeling a sense of inadequacy - I'm left trying to find out how God has made all mean all in my life. During Robert's sermon, he seemed to have so many examples of how bad things turned to good and I feel like I have none - Nicole has challenged me to find some of those things... to "treasure hunt my past." I've begun to think... for some pains, I think I have the answers... for others... the Lord hasn't told me why. Until then, I will sit quietly and listen.
I wait for the Lord - my soul waits!
RSS Feed